As I check the date of the last post, I realize that it's been almost 2 months since my last entry. It doesn't seem that there has been that much to report since we joyfully submitted the final home study application and fee. At the very end of August, we had our first meeting with the intake coordinator of the home study agency. She followed up on the items we shared in our application and asked some other questions about our current life and marriage (one we hadn't been asked in a while that was kind of funny to answer was "What initially attracted you to each other?"). At the end of the 2-hour session, she provided us a folder with some additional materials on the home study process, a handful of articles on adoption, and a list of several more paperwork items to compile before we are officially assigned a caseworker.
We had really figured that our first meeting with the agency was a step toward getting the home study underway, and not just an initial interview/screening. So, I assume that as fast as we can gather birth certificates, marriage certificate, physicals with TB tests, criminal background checks, get fingerprinted, tax forms, pet innoculation verification, etc., we will be able to move forward on the home study.
My major annoyance is that, had we known about these items, we could have started getting them together before this first meeting. Many of these things require special scheduling, sending away for and waiting to arrive by mail. And as a full-time teacher 4 days a week, I have trouble taking time away to get things done at times other than evenings and Fridays. And so the waiting gets extended...
So the emotional high of getting the home study funds together and being able to "get started" (not unlike the initial high of deciding to start the adoption process officially) has been sidelined by the frustration of yet another unexpected step. Perhaps this sounds like whining here. Perhaps the sooner I get used to being caught off-guard and meeting unforeseen challenges, the better off I will be in this journey.
So, since there doesn't seem to be much to report (since we're just gathering paperwork), it's been easy not to blog. But that's probably only half the truth. Because we (and especially I) are/am so emotionally invested, I probably haven't been blogging as a form of emotional self-protection. After all, if I'm not blogging about it, there probably isn't much people can ask me about. And if they don't ask, I don't have to talk about how much of a slump I feel about it right now.
Adoption is a funny thing. There's no one giving you deadlines on when to complete things (so far we've only had one deadline), and no one (except for family/friends) "checking in" on you to keep you accountable. At least in this stage of the game, everything is very self-directed. And when you're busy, overwhelmed, and frustrated, it's easy to put things off (especially blogging).
Something that took me by surprise over the last month was a fresh wave of sadness over our infertility. I think after we had that home study agency meeting and we were given a bunch of homework, I found myself back riding the pity party train. I can be excited, dedicated, and intentional about the adoption process when I see definite progress being made. When there is a setback, I easily return to feelings of woe. Angry questioning toward God over not becoming pregnant, intense feelings of envy and rage at witnessing the latest stages of friends'/relatives' pregnancies, and seeing prospective mothers with beautiful bellies out for leisure walks in my neighborhood have kept me pensive, depressed, and isolated.
A part of me has even been a bit in denial about the entire adoption. God why? I can't, it's a lot harder than I thought. You know how much I am invested in becoming a mother. Right now it feels so painful and difficult. If it turns out that there's a snag along the way and this can't happen, I'll be devastated. I'm already saddened that we haven't been able to conceive. Not enough to give up or quit, but enough to drag my feet. Those adoptive blogging families out there that get their "paper pregnancy" done in record time that I've read about put me to shame.
I feel sheepish that I feel this weak at the beginning. I'm sure that most of the heavy challenges haven't even surfaced yet. If this is how I feel now when things are just getting started, what position will I be in then when times get really tough?
Yet even as I write this, I am concretely aware of the fact that God doesn't owe me anything. In my despair I've become myopic, but I know that God doesn't owe me a child. In his infinite mercy he has given me so much already that I don't deserve, including life itself.
In my most private thoughts I've attempted to quit the adoption several times. But then I play out the tape as far as I can, and I know that I'd regret doing so. I also know that I'd be rejecting what God has offered because of the uncertainty that accompanies it.
Friends, I'd be lying if I said my faith were strong right now. It's tiny and fragile and needs more watering than what I've been giving it. Will you please pray for me?
How long, O LORD? I cry for help
but you do not listen!
I cry out to you, "Violence!"
but you do not intervene.
Why do you let me see ruin;
why must I look at misery?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and clamorous discord.
Then the LORD answered me and said:
Write down the vision clearly upon the tablets,
so that one can read it readily.
For the vision still has its time,
presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint;
if it delays, wait for it,
it will surely come, it will not be late.
The rash one has no integrity;
but the just one, because of his faith, shall live.
(Habakkuk 1:2-3, 2:2-4)
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith."
The Lord replied,
"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed,
you would say to this mulberry tree,
'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.
(Lk 17:5-6)
