More than a dream...

(Note: Excerpts from this post in italics come from messages I sent to Paul about the stirrings I was receiving from the Holy Spirit about adoption.)

Dearest Friends,

A little over a month ago, Paul and I submitted an online application to pursue an Ethiopian adoption. It was (and is!) a big step for us! Our desire is to build our family through adoption, and it is something we have discussed very heavily and seriously over the past several years. Though the news may seem sudden to many of you, it has been on our hearts for a while. Recently, the decision to act was made clear...

I found this past Lenten season to be particularly meaningful, but I wasn't to find out the greater reason why until the very end of it. I had been following my typical devotional path, which was to read the daily readings from the lectio divina. I had also been in a state of deep prayer, prayer concerning a whispering from the Spirit I have felt inside my heart and soul. Desiring that the whisper be made more audible, I committed myself to coming before Him with a specific purpose.

As you are aware, we are in our third year of trying for children. Along the way during this process, we have both experienced pain—in our own unique ways. In some of our silent, tender moments, I have shared with you some of the extent of mine, amidst mournful and often angry bouts of tears. Despite (or perhaps through) this period of darkness, God has not withheld a joyful morning. God has been merciful in helping me see that His plans for my (and our) life are for His good, and that I should no longer despair over not being physically able to conceive. He has granted me peace in my heart that he is in control, and I have sought to fully relinquish control of this area to Him. After all, He is the author of our story.

There was a recent turning point in our fertility journey where the thought crossed my mind: Maybe God doesn’t want us to have children. Two years ago, I would never have allowed myself to entertain this thought at all! But at the moment I experienced it, earlier this winter, it gave me a bit of peace. Not peace in thinking about being childless forever, but peace in knowing that whatever future He had for me (and us) would have to be completely His creation and not mine, and that He would have to grant my heart fulfillment and joy in whatever that was. My mind (and heart) were more or less in an empty wondering stage, a waiting room.

As God focused my prayer time during this Lenten season, he impressed upon my heart the conviction to pursue adoption. Not as a whim, a fancy, or a dream. As a calling. A vocation. In our return stateside, I believe that this is one of the principal reasons he wanted me to return home. Frederick Buechner sums it up nicely: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet”. This is not about the fanatical desire for a child, by any means necessary. Through prayer, reading of Scripture, reflection, and hope, this has become about following the call God has placed upon my heart.

Every day he strengthens me in it. Each day, through his word, he cements this desire, emboldens me, and reminds me again of his power and truth. I hadn’t been seeking it out specifically, but I had been seeking Him (“I cannot do anything on my own; I judge as I hear, and my judgment is just, because I do not seek my own will but the will of the one who sent me.” – John 5:30). And He has not failed me: “The Lord is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. You satisfy the desire of those who fear you; you hear their cry and save them” (Psalm 145:18-19).

God grants us dreams—they are a gift from Him. At one point I let go of that dream, believing that it wasn’t meant to be. I forgot it. But God didn’t. He hasn’t. And he hasn’t forgotten us:

“But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;
my Lord has forgotten me.”
Can a mother forget her infant,
be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget,
I will never forget you.” (Isaiah 49:14-15)

It was toward the end of Lent that I revealed these stirrings to Paul, who received them graciously but with healthy skepticism. Nevertheless, he agreed to commit to praying about them, and we began to pray about them together also.

It was around this time that I was reading the Scriptures given for the Solemnity of St. Joseph (March 19). This day is set aside specifically for remembering the obedience and faith of Joseph in becoming the human father of our Lord. I was again moved powerfully by what I found:

Romans 4:13, 16-18, 22

Brothers and sisters:
It was not through the law
that the promise was made to Abraham and his descendants
that he would inherit the world,
but through the righteousness that comes from faith.
For this reason, it depends on faith,
so that it may be a gift,
and the promise may be guaranteed to all his descendants,
not to those who only adhere to the law
but to those who follow the faith of Abraham,
who is the father of all of us, as it is written,
I have made you father of many nations.
He is our father in the sight of God,
in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead
and calls into being what does not exist.
He believed, hoping against hope,
that he would become the father of many nations,
according to what was said, Thus shall your descendants be.
That is why it was credited to him as righteousness.

And also this:

Mt 1:16, 18-21, 24a (the Gospel for that day)

Jacob was the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary.
Of her was born Jesus who is called the Christ.

Now this is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about.
When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph,
but before they lived together,
she was found with child through the Holy Spirit.
Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man,
yet unwilling to expose her to shame,
decided to divorce her quietly.
Such was his intention when, behold,
the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said,
“Joseph, son of David,
do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home.
For it is through the Holy Spirit
that this child has been conceived in her.
She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.”
When Joseph awoke,
he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him
and took his wife into his home.

Deacon Jim, a true deacon in Ann Arbor, MI (whose blog I follow every day after reading the daily readings), had this to say about St. Joseph:

"The second reason we have such reverence for the Saints is they provide us with examples of faith that are real to us. We can understand a St. Joseph whose principle merit was he provided a human father figure for Jesus the boy/man as he grew up. That sacrifice and love earned him a special place in the heart of the Church and a special significance for all fathers who adopt children or provide that role for them without a biological connection.

We conclude with a wonderful thought passed on to us by Pope John Paul the Great. Here is what he said of St. Joseph in his Daily Meditations; “What emanates from the figure of Saint Joseph is faith. Joseph of Nazareth is a "just man" because he totally "lives by faith." He is holy because his faith is truly heroic.” And we, whose faith is often challenged, need heroes."

Here are my exact words in an e-mail message I sent to Paul after reading about St. Joseph: I never really put that together before--Joseph! Probably the most famous adoptive father (besides Christ) in the entire New Testament! Of course! This I did not ask for, and was not seeking, but was laid before me as I opened the daily readings this morning. You cannot but be awed by His timing. After a distinct period of prayer, and right after I revealed His message to you--the future adoptive father. He [Joseph] is with us, and his faith and obedience are a support to us.

Paul, since becoming Catholic, I have never (or rarely) asked the saints to intercede on my behalf before. There have been times (aside from our times of doing the rosary) that I have prayed for the Blessed Mother to intercede, but never to the saints. This morning, after reading through the Scriptures and Deacon Jim's reflections, I was compelled to come before the Lord through St. Joseph. I have never felt such affinity to a saint before. But St. Joseph was exactly where we are! In a place of severe uncertainty, involving a foreign child.

Later on March 19 I was also pleased to discover that the Catholic Church dedicates the month of March for devotion to St. Joseph, and on Wednesdays specifically. Wednesdays were the days during Lent that I had been fasting completely. Coincidence? I think not!

After sharing this also with Paul and praying steadily together (and separately), we reached a conclusion about 10 days later. Paul hadn’t experienced the intensity of my conviction, but he began to trust that God had been leading me, and he trusted God’s message to me.

Though I had once hoped that in every big decision, in every mystery and in every marital choice, God would speak to both the husband and wife together, I now know that He doesn’t always work this way. Sometimes he speaks to one very strongly. I believe He does this to strengthen the faith of the other and to reveal Himself while drawing the outside one closely to Him. I think that’s what He’s been doing with me over this past year.

And so lately, as you have noticed, I’ve stopped praying for children. I stopped praying that we would get pregnant, and I stopped praying for “our child”. I’ve been laying low on that issue, because I feel that God has needed to use this desert time to soften my heart again and draw me back to Him. I think my own prayers were drowning out God’s voice. What He needed was to get me in a quiet space where He could reach and heal my heart.

And He did. And He led me to a place where He could speak. And this is how we greeted Easter Day—with this supreme joy!

And so, dear friends, we are very excited at how we have already seen God move. It all started with drawing near to Him, and with beautiful encouragements from His Word. It is a mysterious and blessed path, and we are so happy to share it with you and have you along for the ride. We appreciate your prayers, and look forward to what God will do.

With love,

Aubrey and Paul